Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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