So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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