Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
