whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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