Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
