Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
