By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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