Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
