I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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