I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
