I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
