Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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