Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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