wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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