just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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