It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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