just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
