why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize