So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize