do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
