I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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