I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
