When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
