I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
