Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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