that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
