So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
