Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
