I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
