Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
