its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
