I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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