the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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