It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
