I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize