fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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