so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
