I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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