well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
