Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
