you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
