idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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