listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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