She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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