some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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