i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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