Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
