Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
