i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
