As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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