The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
