his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
