I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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