Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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