so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
