it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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