So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
