1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
