Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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