I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize