My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
