can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
