so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
