whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
time to smoke my breakfast
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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