I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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