Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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