Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
