I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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