If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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