He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
