He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
