My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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