Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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