wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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