Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
